Bright eyes, fearless, perceptive, assertive, confident, sensitive, friendly, curious, eager, impulsive, charmer, lovebug.
That is our Ethie and I love him! He has always been this way and I'm guessing he always will be! When Ethan was born, I had no idea what it would be like to be his mother.
In many ways, he is so different from me (see outgoing, confident, assertive) but in lots of ways, he is just like me (sensitive, strong moods, fearless). I have learned so much from being Ethan's mom, mostly about what I struggle with and how to help him with those same struggles. Ethie feels things incredibly deeply and has always had a hard time managing those emotions. He can be the softest, most tender little guy and I've always loved how he can reach people because he is not afraid. He loves to talk to anybody and lately he has been really into writing notes to everyone.
He always finds the babies or youngest kids where we go and he adores making them laugh by doing funny things. He loves to make Lilah laugh or help her with something or read to her. He is so smart and he loves learning. He has always been above grade level for reading and math because it is interesting to him. Lately he's been reading chapter books on his own and in bed at night and I'm so glad he likes to read! He also loves to play with his friends, especially Laylah who is in his class and also lives in the neighborhood.
I'm so thankful he and Laylah get along so well because he has lost most of the other friends in the neighborhood. Ethie has always had a hard time with his aggression and knowing when he's being too rough. He loves getting attention and sometimes will provoke someone just to see what they will do. Needless to say, he has always had a hard time with playdates and friends and even though he loves friends, he has never had very many because they are afraid of him. As his mother, this makes me so sad!! He has come home crying so many times and told me that the kids won't let him play with them anymore because he is mean. We've talked to his friends (and parents) together and he's written notes, but he still has such a hard time knowing what's appropriate behavior. He can tell me what he should do, but in the moment his impulses are too strong.
He has especially been struggling with his behavior at school this year. He got a new teacher in January and he has tested her to the limit. He jumps off his desk, walks around the room, pokes kids, pushes, shoves, refuses to do what the teacher asks him to do. Poor woman! She is a new teacher, so highly motivated, but I think she has no idea what to do with Ethie. So she calls the assistant principle who keeps him in school suspension or calls me to come pick him up or let me know that he has been suspended for the next day. From 1st grade. Aaaah! He is also this way at home, so I am continually trying to keep him busy so he doesn't get bored and in trouble, restricting privileges or enforcing timeout when he does get in trouble and then managing the inevitable temper tantrum that comes with a consequence. It is exhausting, highly emotional, and no fun.
Like I said, I had no idea what it would be like to be a mother. I would have never dreamed that my child would be "that child" in the classroom, since I was too quiet and shy to even talk at school! I never imagined that I would lose my cool and scream at my child. Or lock myself in the bathroom and sob because I didn't know what else to do. Or have to apologize to all the moms on the block because my kid had been mean to their kids. Or take my kid to a counselor or psychiatrist. Or wish I could just run away and not have to be a mom anymore. Or seriously consider homeschooling. Or put my kid on medication or special diets. Or feel so completely lost about how to help my own son.
I always said that placing Hannah for adoption is the hardest thing I've ever done. That is still true, but I think it's a little ironic that being Ethan's mother is definitely the next hardest thing I've ever done. I've finally figured out that children don't come to us to provide entertainment. I think my expectation when I became a mother was that my children would make me happy. They would do wonderful, cute things to make my life better. Wrong. They do wonderful, cute things all the time, but mostly I'm the one trying to help them be happy and make their lives better. I'm trying to figure out how to teach them that being kind and good will make them happy while I'm struggling to be kind and good. I am most happy when my children are happy and when I know I am doing my best to be the mother they need me to be. I think that's all I can do right now--just keep working on myself so I can try to help my Ethie.
This year has been especially hard with James gone all week and busy on the weekends because I feel so alone and inadequate as a mother. I keep praying that our situation will change soon so that Ethan's life will be more stable and so that he will have a dad in his life every day. But for now, we're doing what we can to make it and maybe even learn something from all of this. In an attempt to feel like I'm doing something, we've started Ethan on a gluten-free/casein-free diet, because I've read lots of stories about it helping kids like Ethie. So far he's had a good week (no calls from the school, yay!) and he told me the other day, "Mom, I think the gluten's helping! So now can I eat normal?" But I think we'll stick with it a while longer while we also consider medication. He's got some ADHD/ODD (oppositional defiance) stuff going on, so we want to give him as much help with his brain and his body as we can.
Ethie and I have this little thing we do. We point to our eyes, then cover our heart, then point to each other. He showed the psychiatrist the other day and told him, "That's what my mommy and I always do." So if that's what comes to mind when he thinks about what he and I do, I think it will be okay.
He always finds the babies or youngest kids where we go and he adores making them laugh by doing funny things. He loves to make Lilah laugh or help her with something or read to her. He is so smart and he loves learning. He has always been above grade level for reading and math because it is interesting to him. Lately he's been reading chapter books on his own and in bed at night and I'm so glad he likes to read! He also loves to play with his friends, especially Laylah who is in his class and also lives in the neighborhood.
I'm so thankful he and Laylah get along so well because he has lost most of the other friends in the neighborhood. Ethie has always had a hard time with his aggression and knowing when he's being too rough. He loves getting attention and sometimes will provoke someone just to see what they will do. Needless to say, he has always had a hard time with playdates and friends and even though he loves friends, he has never had very many because they are afraid of him. As his mother, this makes me so sad!! He has come home crying so many times and told me that the kids won't let him play with them anymore because he is mean. We've talked to his friends (and parents) together and he's written notes, but he still has such a hard time knowing what's appropriate behavior. He can tell me what he should do, but in the moment his impulses are too strong.
He has especially been struggling with his behavior at school this year. He got a new teacher in January and he has tested her to the limit. He jumps off his desk, walks around the room, pokes kids, pushes, shoves, refuses to do what the teacher asks him to do. Poor woman! She is a new teacher, so highly motivated, but I think she has no idea what to do with Ethie. So she calls the assistant principle who keeps him in school suspension or calls me to come pick him up or let me know that he has been suspended for the next day. From 1st grade. Aaaah! He is also this way at home, so I am continually trying to keep him busy so he doesn't get bored and in trouble, restricting privileges or enforcing timeout when he does get in trouble and then managing the inevitable temper tantrum that comes with a consequence. It is exhausting, highly emotional, and no fun.
Like I said, I had no idea what it would be like to be a mother. I would have never dreamed that my child would be "that child" in the classroom, since I was too quiet and shy to even talk at school! I never imagined that I would lose my cool and scream at my child. Or lock myself in the bathroom and sob because I didn't know what else to do. Or have to apologize to all the moms on the block because my kid had been mean to their kids. Or take my kid to a counselor or psychiatrist. Or wish I could just run away and not have to be a mom anymore. Or seriously consider homeschooling. Or put my kid on medication or special diets. Or feel so completely lost about how to help my own son.
I always said that placing Hannah for adoption is the hardest thing I've ever done. That is still true, but I think it's a little ironic that being Ethan's mother is definitely the next hardest thing I've ever done. I've finally figured out that children don't come to us to provide entertainment. I think my expectation when I became a mother was that my children would make me happy. They would do wonderful, cute things to make my life better. Wrong. They do wonderful, cute things all the time, but mostly I'm the one trying to help them be happy and make their lives better. I'm trying to figure out how to teach them that being kind and good will make them happy while I'm struggling to be kind and good. I am most happy when my children are happy and when I know I am doing my best to be the mother they need me to be. I think that's all I can do right now--just keep working on myself so I can try to help my Ethie.
This year has been especially hard with James gone all week and busy on the weekends because I feel so alone and inadequate as a mother. I keep praying that our situation will change soon so that Ethan's life will be more stable and so that he will have a dad in his life every day. But for now, we're doing what we can to make it and maybe even learn something from all of this. In an attempt to feel like I'm doing something, we've started Ethan on a gluten-free/casein-free diet, because I've read lots of stories about it helping kids like Ethie. So far he's had a good week (no calls from the school, yay!) and he told me the other day, "Mom, I think the gluten's helping! So now can I eat normal?" But I think we'll stick with it a while longer while we also consider medication. He's got some ADHD/ODD (oppositional defiance) stuff going on, so we want to give him as much help with his brain and his body as we can.
Ethie and I have this little thing we do. We point to our eyes, then cover our heart, then point to each other. He showed the psychiatrist the other day and told him, "That's what my mommy and I always do." So if that's what comes to mind when he thinks about what he and I do, I think it will be okay.
You sweet thing. I Wish I could hug you. I will pray for continued strength. You are a good woman and I know the Lord is watching over you. Be strong and stay firm, that's what he needs most.
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